ADHD, or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, is often misunderstood. ADHD isn’t a product of laziness, stupidity, or “bad parenting,” as former Mashable reporter Jess Joho wrote. Rather, it’s a brain disorder that can impact executive function, attention, hyperactivity, emotional regulation, and more. For ADHD singles trying to use dating apps, the condition can have a huge impact on their ability to find a partner.
That’s what Hinge found in its new Love and ADHD D.A.T.E. report, with survey findings from over 60,000 global users, including 9,000 with ADHD. A majority (82 percent) of Hinge users with ADHD are seeking a relationship, but 75 percent feel misunderstood by their matches. Two areas where ADHD daters may struggle are responding to potential dates and navigating small talk, according to the report.
ADHD daters (not) responding to matches
Forty-three percent of Hinge daters with ADHD often forget to respond to matches, and 32 percent feel misunderstood when matches assume they’re not interested due to slow responses. This might be compounded by the fact that 71 percent of Hinge daters expect their matches to respond within a day, and those who do are more likely to go on a date.
When asked what makes it hard to respond to matches, 45 percent of respondents forget, and the same amount said a conversation feeling repetitive and boring makes it difficult. Meanwhile, 40 percent said feeling overwhelmed is another barrier.
“I wish my matches understood that when I forgot to respond, it wasn’t due to a lack of interest — it was just that my brain often got overwhelmed or distracted,” said content creator Tarah Clark, who was quoted in the report. “When someone sent a gentle reminder, I appreciated it. A follow-up message helped bring the conversation back to the forefront of my mind, and I was always happy to continue chatting.”
Credit: Hinge
Hinge’s director of relationship science, Logan Ury, shared some tips for daters with ADHD in terms of responsiveness:
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Be upfront about your communication preferences from the start.
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Reduce friction — meaning, make it easier for yourself to respond. If you’re more responsive on iMessage than Hinge, for example, exchange numbers with a match.
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Set reminders.
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Shift to talking on the phone or FaceTime. This can help prevent a prolonged “talking stage.”
Ury also shared tips for neurotypical daters:
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Don’t make assumptions. You don’t know why someone isn’t responding!
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Keep an open mind.
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Appreciate honesty.
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Get on the same page. If you don’t know how to read someone’s behavior, ask them about it.
ADHD dating and dreaded small talk
Daters with ADHD were 31 percent more likely than neurotypical daters to report that they don’t like making small talk. Small talk — about someone’s day or the weather — can feel boring and unstimulating. They were also 38 percent more likely than neurotypical daters to find it difficult to keep conversations going, with half of ADHD daters preferring to get to know a match in person.
“So much of my personality is physical — my big facial expressions, how my body moves when I speak, how I always need to be doing something with my hands. It feels easier to me when I can connect in-person,” said BookTokker Alexis Anunson, who was quoted in the report.
Here are Ury’s tips for ADHD daters on navigating small talk:
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Showcase your interests on your profile. Talking about what you care about can be more exciting than discussing your day-to-day.
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Keep a list of questions on your phone to ask matches.
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Get to a date faster (when you’re both comfortable).
And for neurotypical daters:
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Bond over shared interests.
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Be open to exploring something new.
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Embrace the differences of others.
For LGBTQ daters with ADHD specifically, 64 percent worry about saying the wrong thing. “Often, there are stigmas associated with being either LGBTQIA+ or having ADHD, but for people who are at the intersection of those identities, even messaging a match can cause anxiety,” commented Hinge’s love and connection expert Moe Ari Brown.
Brown encourages these daters to celebrate themselves, honor their strengths, and find ways to communicate that work for them. Similarly to Ury’s example, if messaging overwhelms you, try a phone or FaceTime date instead.
While three in four ADHD daters feel misunderstood by matches, Hinge found that 63 percent of neurotypical daters do, too. Maybe with these tips, we can all move forward with fewer assumptions about the people in our phones.
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